Natural Mom in Unnatural Circumstances (Breastfeeding While Working Full-Time 101)

Okay, so my mother thinks my breastfeeding trials are perfect fodder for a stand-up routine. Let me start by confessing that this is not the life I planned for myself. First of all, I remember standing in the parking lot after pitching a sitcom episode about 2 decades ago and professing, “by age 40, I will either be running a network or running my own show, either way, my kids will have a nanny …” I also told my boyfriend at the time (now my husband) that I was going to be at home for the first few years of the lives of our 3 children. That’s right, before I became a mom, I actually thought I could effectively manage/raise/nurture three children (kudos to those women who have done it because I now know that I couldn’t)! I also thought I’d be having these three children at 32 and not one at 42. But nothing about my life reflects the plans I laid out for myself decades prior. This includes the list of mishaps that have occurred since my return to work (doing the very same job I had when I started in the entertainment industry 20 years ago). No one ever mentioned to me how difficult, inconvenient and, at times, downright painful the process of breastfeeding could be. Upon reading all of the literature on the advantages, I felt like it was the only choice I had. It’s a natural process that contributes to a higher IQ, better immune system, better bonding with your child, etc. So, who wants a dumb kid with a low immune system who can’t stand his mom? Guess I better breastfeed! Many of my friends had done it. At least that’s how they presented things to me. Upon further investigation, I found out, they didn’t all quite do it the way I meant. A few did it for like a couple of days. Some for a couple of weeks. Some did it until they went back to work. One did it a couple of hours! Hey, does that really count? And, by the way, NONE, mentioned the trouble it was until AFTER I shared my woes. “Oh, yeah,” one friend quipped, “I hated it and quit because it was so painful but I’m glad you’re doing it.” Uh, HELLO, could you have warned me BEFORE I took the plunge? Of course not. Breastfeeding, much like having children in general, is one of those things people pretend is perfectly normal and pain-free. NOT. There is nothing normal about having to run out of a conference room, down the hall, with tubes sticking out of your shirt, because your lactation room has been double booked. There’s nothing normal about having to borrow a shirt from a co-worker because you started leaking when you worked on a project too long and were late to go pump. And there is nothing normal about spilling milk in the back seat of the minivan because you were locked out of your designated lactation room and couldn’t figure out how to balance the milk bottles, keep track of time and post updates on facebook simultaneously. This is the life of today’s working mother and the reality is it is no more easier than for previous moms, just because there's some cool, $300 machine to help. I would venture to say, because of all of these gadgets, much more is expected of you. My mother's favorite mantra is, "I didn't have that when I was raising you." But even with the extra circuitry, women find this loving task of feeding their babies problematic. According to a recent Wall Street Journal article, “[ women] who breastfeed for six months or longer have far steeper declines in income, mainly due to their increased likelihood of reducing their work hours or quitting,” The article also refers to a past observance that many women who intend to continue to nurse after returning to work, give it up after a few weeks. DUH! Will I personally continue? Sure, as long as I can. But I know the truth now. I am in a minority of women who are not VPs or managers who can shut their doors and have their assistants keep people out of the office or who work from home or, better yet, who are full-time stay-at-home moms. I'm just a regular worker bee who has to prove that just because I rush to take my two breaks at work, hoping that the curtain hasn't been removed from the conference room or that I've been replaced by a "real meeting," I am still a good employee who is committed to doing a great job. But it has surely not been seamless. I have had 3 lactation coaches; I have had a phone consultant; I have spilled milk on my lap; I have fallen asleep while pumping; I have left equipment at home; I have left milk at the office; I have tried 10 different creams; I have been given 4 different breast diagnoses; I have had the wrong shields size; I have had the wrong hands free bra size. In other words, I have spent a lot of time, energy and money trying to get this right and almost every single day, something goes wrong. In the end, my daughter will have received the best nutrition I have to offer and maybe, just maybe, I will have at least gotten one small portion of being a parent right. If nothing else, I will have provided comedic stories for my mother to share with her friends!